Script - Who'd be a drag queen?

SCENE TWO - Paul's Dressing Room

Paul     [screamingly camp] If that bitch tries to upstage me with his hand-in-the-face routine once more I'll throttle him! [Throws costume off] I don't need him. I'm a star! This tired old body has been dragging itself across a stage since before he was in nappies. How dare that, that virgin try and tell me, me who has worked with the greats, how to work an audience? How to get laughs. He's done nothing. Did he ever tread the same stage as Christopher Biggins? Was he ever on screen with Cheryl from Bucks Fizz? Did he ever see ABBA live? No! I've lived. I've suffered. I've been there, seen the film, read the book and worn out the T-shirt! What is he? Just another wannabe hanging on my coat tails. [Turns to the audience and talks directly to them, his voice lowering to a normal tone as he starts to remove his makeup]

            I told my mother I was gay when I was 23. It's funny how we always have to tell our mothers, isn't it? I had to tell her that I really liked men. I had known women, but not in the biblical sense, you understand. The nearest I have ever been to being inside a woman was when I toured the Statue of Liberty.

            Telling her I was gay was bad enough but when I happened to mention that I had taken to wearing a frock onstage she was mortified. "What will the neighbours think?" was her first reaction.

            Well, to be honest, even though the worthy bunch of suburban housewives we shared the avenue with were quite well turned out (according to their mundane standards), I didn't think that my glitzy style was going to persuade any of them to be more adventurous than twin set and pearls, even for the cheese and wine whist drive.

            But, ultimately, she was very supportive. Probably because it was her only chance to rub shoulders with any sort of glamour, even if it was only vicariously. She had always considered me a 'special' child. According to her it was because she had been in labour with me, her first born, for 23 hours. The silly cow should have taken her tights off once the waters broke.

            Did Glenn have that sort of childhood? No! He had it easy. He didn't grow up as an outcast. He didn't have to contend with his sexuality being illegal. He's not even gay, for god's sake! The worst thing he has to worry about is which of the myriad of women throwing themselves at his feet to marry.

            OK, I'm jealous! [shouting, angry] Why couldn't it have been that easy for me, for us? He need never worry about being alone. He doesn't even really want to be a female impersonator. He wants to be an act-or! A luvvie! All I've ever wanted was to be drag queen. I was never pretty, even as a child. Nobody has ever called me beautiful, and meant it. But clothes maketh man (with a liberal application of Polyfilla) and I can look good in anything, except a mirror. I can turn heads, you know, [poses into mirror, triumphantly] and a few stomachs. [dejectedly]

            For a few hours each night I shovel on the makeup and pretend to the world that I am glamorous. And, do you know, for those few hours, the world in its naivete, believes me. Appearing glamorous is easy. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Even GMTV presenters can manage it.

            But now the ravages of time are such that even I can't do it alone. Much as I hate to admit it, I need that prima donna to prop up this sagging talent.

Glenn  [Knocks on the door] Are you decent?

Paul                 Would it matter if I wasn't?

Glenn          Only to you. [comes in still wearing his makeup but in straight clothes] Well, that went well. When do we start to rehearse the Ab Fab stuff?

Paul                 Tomorrow. Can you make 10am?

Glenn              Sure. The usual place?

Paul                 Yeah. Are you going for a drink later? We could try that new bar in town. I know it's gay but you should be used to that.

Glenn             Since when has it bothered me? Shove over, I want to get my makeup off. [They sit side by side removing their makeup] Did you see that guy sitting near the stage this evening?

Paul                 What, the cute one with the blue top on?

Glenn              Yeah, he never took his eyes off you.

Paul                 Oh, please, [mock camp] he was probably stunned that I looked just like his mother.

Glenn              Well, I don't know. He seemed more intent than the usual fag hag groupies. Perhaps he'll be at the Stage Door, waiting for an autograph ... or something.

Paul                 Get out of here! After your straight butt, more likely! I don't know why I work with you. Nobody ever fancies me when they can drool over you.

Glenn              But you know I'm not interested.

Paul                 They don't know that, do they? They would just love the prospect of being able to creep out of the woodwork and into the News of the World when you're a famous thespian.

Glenn              There's no chance of that. Much as I love queens I'm afraid gay sex is not something I want.

Paul                 Pervert! If only your paying public knew the disgusting things you dream of doing to defenceless women! [They both laugh] You're unnatural! And talking of unnatural .. have you got this stupid notion of being a legitimate actor out of your head yet?

Glenn              It's not stupid. I think I have got the potential.

Paul                 The only thing you are going to get is the clap if you continue sleeping your way around.