Photoshoot - Legs - 18/9/96

Cable 7 script - Goldilocks

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS
Transmission: 27 June 1996
Cable 7 - Live
Are we sitting comfortably, boys and girls? Then I shall begin.
Once upon a time there were three bears and they all lived in a big house in the forest.
Daddy bear was something big in the Stock Market so he could afford a nice house far from the traffic but still easily accessible in his Volvo Estate. Mummy bear had to make do with a third hand Mini which bounced all over the place when she drove down the track to the main road. This caused havoc with her piles but Daddy bear said that was all they could afford while he was paying for the mortgage on the house in the forest that Mummy bear had insisted they bought so that Baby bear could grow up in a safe environment, whatever that was. And anyway, she loved Daddy bear so she put up with it.
Mummy bear and Daddy bear had for many years wanted to have a baby but, alas, it didn't happen. Then, one day when she was walking in the forest, Mummy bear came upon a magazine discarded by one of the local lads in the bushes. Having nothing much else to do (her Mini was being repaired, again, and she couldn't be bothered to walk all the way to the bus stop) she sat in the shade of a tree and leafed through the damp pages. 'Ah', she thought as she realised what sort of a magazine it was that she had found 'that's where we've been going wrong. Daddy bear needs to stop watching Baywatch and get an early night occasionally'.
So Mummy bear took away his box of Kleenex and by and by Baby bear was born and everything in the house in the forest was perfect. Until the Day of the Bimbo.
It was a beautiful summers day and Daddy bear, seeing that the breakfast porridge was too hot, said that perhaps they should take a constitutional. So the three bears, Daddy Bear, Mummy Bear and Danni Bear (so called because he wasn't too bright but was always popular with the other baby bears because he could always be relied upon to play Doctors and Nurses at the drop of a hat) went for a walk.
When they returned Daddy bear noticed that all was not well. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he roared. And Mummy bear said 'And who's been sitting in my chair?'. Danni bear, who's expectations were always in the gutter, rushed to the bedroom and was pleasantly surprised to find a strange body snuggled under his duvet, said 'I'm going back to bed!' at which the strange body leapt up and rushed out of the bedroom and straight into Daddy bear's outstretched arms. 'And what were you doing in Danni bear's bed, you Bimbo?'.
Daddy bear knew she was a Bimbo because Mummy bear had told him that all girls with blond hair were Bimbos. She'd told him this the day she'd spent 3 hours at the hairdresser and her streaks had failed to take.
The flaxen haired beauty burst into tears 'I'm so sorry. I was tired and I just fell asleep.' 'Well', said Daddy bear, who didn't feel you should judge a girl by her hair colour just because Mummy bear did 'as you are such an attractive young lady perhaps you would like to stay for breakfast.' 'Oh, I'm sorry, I can't' she said 'I have to be at the studio in half an hour'. And with a flick of her Kim Novak hair she headed off in the direction of The Big Breakfast studios to ready herself for bed again, leaving Daddy bear with a huge grin on his face.
Mummy bear slapped Daddy bear and said something about brains in pants and never again let him work late at the office.
© Pariss 1996

Cable 7 scripts - Cinderella

CINDERELLA
Transmission: 20 June 1996
Cable 7 - Live
Are we sitting comfortably, boys and girls? Then I shall begin.
Once upon a time, long long ago, there lived a King whose unfortunate lot was to head the most dysfunctional family in the Kingdom.
The King's second wife, the Queen, had arrived at the altar complete with a ready made family of two over-indulged daughters and had proceeded to disrupt and dominate the household.
Looking like an American soap star, the wicked stepmother retained her looks solely by virtue of numerous nips, tucks and clever makeup techniques. Her preoccupation with just the right mood lighting meant that none of the joins ever showed. This was also the reason why she never ventured out in daylight.
The King's sole child from his first, tragic marriage was Cinderella. As much as he loved her he was unable to protect her from the wrath of his wife. The King had become an emasculated house husband whose sole job was to write cheques.
Without the King's protection Cinderella found herself consigned to the bowels of the castle and forced to work in the kitchens.
The sisters weren't subjected to such hard manual labour. If fact, they didn't really work at all. After much pushing by the King the nearest they ever got to working was to sign up for training with the Government.
Buttons was the sole remaining member of the King's staff to escape the Queen's downsizing regime. And it was to Buttons that Cinderella would pour her heart out when things got particularly rough.
And things looked as though they could get very rough, very soon.
For some time Cinderella had been hearing odd noises coming from the cellars next to the kitchen; especially late at night.
She knew that the sisters used the rooms for some sort of storage but, as the doors were always locked tight, she had no idea what was in there.
And another thing. Cinderella had noticed that every few weeks a goat would disappear from the grounds; and sometimes several chickens.
She confided to Buttons but he had no ideas so they both vowed to talk to a higher authority.
Buttons had been secretly trying to better himself in readiness for the day that the wicked queen finally managed to get rid of him. For 4 nights a week he had been taking his City & Guilds in Interior Design and it was to his tutor that he took Cinderella for advice.
Teaching at the local Poly was only a part-time occupation for the tutor. Her vocation was as a Fairy Godmother. And it was as such that she decided to investigate the strange goings on at the castle.
Several days later Cinderella, Buttons and the Fairy Godmother huddled round the fire in the kitchen and discussed their findings.
'Well' said the Fairy Godmother 'they are doing awful things to the goats and chickens. And I found a quantity of black candles as well.'
'Satanic Rites' said Buttons 'It's only to be expected, I suppose, they are training to be Social Workers. I expect they will be moving to Scotland soon.'
Cinderella wanted nothing to do with all this.
'I must get away' she said 'But how?'
'Well' said Buttons 'the only way is an advantageous marriage'
'But who to?' wailed Cinderella.
'Mmmm' said the Fairy Godmother 'I do know a Chippendale who would kill for a UK passport ..'
'I can't marry a chair' said Cinderella, who knew nothing of the world of the sexploitation of men and their bodies and had to have it explained by Buttons.
And so it was that Cinderella went to a Ladies Night and picked out the Chippendale of her choice, married him and moved out of the clutches of both her step mother and her satanic sisters.
Her one mistake was taking Buttons with her when she left. However, at least Buttons and the Chippendale lived happily ever after, so all was not lost.
© Pariss 1996

Cable 7 scripts - Three Little Pigs

THREE LITTLE PIGS
Transmission: 13 June 1996
Cable 7 - Live
Are we sitting comfortably, boys and girls? Then I shall begin.
Once upon a time, in a land not very far from our own, there lived three pigs. Each of the pigs controlled a separate area of the land and each ruled his area, or council, according to the rules laid down by the Big Bad Wolf.
Now, each of the pigs had their own way of running things. Some thought that they were there to do their best for the other pigs that lived in their neck of the woods. Some thought they were there to provide jobs for members of their families. While others were convinced that they were there simply because someone had to do the job, however thankless it was.
The pig that lived in the area furthest from the City, The Land of Rut, had never been happy at the way that the other two pigs ran their councils and was glad he was allowed to run Rut as an ecological haven.
The pig that lived in the City, Zap Pig, was only interested in making sure that all his relatives had secure and over paid jobs to go to and to support him. If he was in power then they had jobs, and vice versa.
Rural pig lived in the country, away from the city but not as far away as the Land of Rut, did the best he possibly could to avoid getting caught between the crossfire when Zap Pig and Rut Pig started warring. It wasn't always easy.
All he wanted was to keep his head down and make it to pension time. It was only the thought of that warm, clean sty near the coast that kept him going some days.
By and large the pigs managed to ignore each other and rule their councils according to their consciences. That was until the Big Bad Wolf decided that all three pigs, administering all three areas separately, was a waste of resources. He decreed that they should amalgamate and run everything from the City.
Zap Pig was delighted. This would mean more jobs in the City; and more jobs in the City meant more of his relatives could be overpaid; and this meant he would be guaranteed of being in power for even longer.
Rut Pig was not at all enthused with the idea. He didn't want Zap Pig to get his dirty trotters on the beautiful Land of Rut and abuse it. Last time he had any say in matters half the land had been flooded to make a mud pool for Zap and his relatives. Rut Pig decided he would fight the Big Bad Wolf all the way.
Rural Pig certainly didn't want to be amalgamated. He had more than enough work to do as it was without having to contend with the City and the Land of Rut. He also didn't relish closer proximity to Zap and Rut Pigs.
And so it was that the Big Bad Wolf descended on the area and set about ripping down fences and doing away with the councils.
First he visited Rut Pig and told him he had to move all his administration to the City. 'Over my dead body', said Rut Pig. 'Fine', said Big Bad Wolf, 'Bacon or chops?'
At this Rut Pig rushed into his house, bolted the door and piled his meagre furniture against it. Rut Pig, being ecologically minded, had built his house of local materials so, although it looked nice, it wasn't very strong.
'Ho, ho,' said Big Bad Wolf, 'do you really think a straw house will keep me out? I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down'.
So he huffed and he puffed and, sure enough, he blew the house down. Rut Pig rushed out of the back door, climbed on his bike and pedalled as fast as he could to Rural Pig's house to tell him what had gone on.
Rural Pig's house was a beautiful timber edifice and when Big Bad Wolf arrived he found them barricaded inside defying him to blow that house down.
Big Bad Wolf huffed and he puffed but he wasn't really getting anywhere until he took out his bottle of poppers. A couple of sniffs and a quick blow and the Rural Pig's house tumbled to the ground.
Both the pigs rushed out of the back door, into Rural Pig's secondhand Volvo and straight to Zap Pig's city home.
Zap Pig, of course had an ostentatious brick-built house in a very select area of the city. This was built to the highest standards money could buy and the Wolf, no matter what artificial stimulants he took, had no chance of blowing it down.
'Well,' said Zap Pig, 'we have survived. Perhaps the Big Bad Wolf is right. Perhaps we are more efficient as a single entity.' The other pigs were not convinced but agreed to go with the flow, for now. Their time would come and they would each have their own little councils, one day.
©Pariss 1996

Cable 7 script - Tom Thumb

TOM THUMB
Transmission: 6 June 1996
Cable 7 - Live
Are we sitting comfortably, boys and girls? Then I shall begin.
Once upon a time, long ago, in a land far away, the ecological warriors had managed to prevent the last forest in the Kingdom being raised to the ground for its hardwoods.
Many people throughout the land bemoaned the fact that they could no longer buy luxury wooden furniture items at the out-of-town Suite Centres. But not the arboreal worker and his domestic partner who lived in a local authority utilitarian unit within the forest.
The woodcutter and his wife, while intellectually challenged, were happy in their subsistence-level life and wanted for nothing. Nothing, that is, except a son.
Whilst they accepted that, biologically, they were past child-bearing age they constantly badgered the local Health Authority to allow them to have IVF treatment. The local Authority, while sympathetic to their needs, had been Rate Capped and decided that, although their case was worthy, there were no votes to be had in allowing a couple of old codgers who lived in the woods to add to the already overburdened population of the Kingdom.
And so it was that the couple reluctantly accepted that parenthood would never be theirs to savour.
One day, however, the breadwinner of the family was out gathering wood when he came upon a person in the forest. This person appeared bedraggled and the woodcutter took them to his matrimonial home and gave them some camomile tea and some counselling.
"Thank you" said the person "I am a fairy and, for your kindness, I will grant you one wish. What will it be?"
The woodcutter only wanted one thing. A son. He didn't mind if it was only as big as his thumb. So long as he had a son.
"Very well" said the fairy "your wish shall be granted"
When the woodcutter's wife came home he told her all about it. "Tell me again" she said "who told you this?"
"It was a sexually ambiguous social worker, I think. At any rate, he said he was a fairy" said the woodcutter.
And so it came to pass that when the couple came down for their breakfast the following morning there was indeed a vertically challenged male child.
"Well" said the husband "he is only as big as my thumb. What are we to do with him"
"Leave it to me, husband" said the wife "I have had plenty of practice with things as small as your thumb"
And this was true. When they had first got married the wife had had to rationalise her expectations and had become quite expert in downsizing.
And so it was that the couple acquired a son whom they called Tom. As Tom grew into personhood his behaviour became more and more idiosyncratic and just a tad anti-social until one day, during one of his frequent roaming-round-the-forest periods, he was kidnapped by a pair of intellectually challenged and socially inept entrepreneurs who wanted to sell him into non-ethnic servitude.
Being sold into white slavery by a couple of bozos was not to Tom's liking so he set about trying, unsuccessfully, to escape.
Fortunately his sexually ambiguous social worker was trolling through the forest, for perfectly innocuous reasons, you understand, when he came upon Tom tied to a twig and screaming blue murder.
At first the social worker was tempted to walk on by. What other people did to each other for their own gratification was not his affair. But something in Tom's voice made him check that all was OK. It wasn't and so Tom was freed and returned to the loving arms of his surrogate parental figures.
I'd like to say that everyone lived happily ever after but this is not a conventional fairy story.
The parents were arrested and charged with infant abuse (which they were ultimately acquitted of), the social worker was charged with dereliction of duty and later convicted of offences against society by the Style Police (the combination of faux leopard skin and silver lame was always a mistake) and Tom grew up to be a right little hooligan but always escaped punishment by blaming a dysfunctional family upbringing.
© Pariss 1996

Photoshoot - 6/6/96

Cable 7 Script - Rapunzel

RAPUNZEL

Transmission: 30 May 1996
Cable 7 - Live
Are we sitting comfortably, boys and girls? Then I shall begin.
Once upon a time, long ago, the Kingdom was stricken by alopecia and those few remaining with hair were revered as Gods.
Rapunzel, the King's only daughter, not only had a full head of hair but had hair that hung down her back. However, after liberal applications of Immac her back was silky smooth and her golden locks tumbled from her head, unfettered, like wheat in the wind.
Whilst it was nice to be venerated as one of the few people in the Kingdom to have natural hair there was the added problem of being victimised by those who needed one of the cheap wigs on sale in the market to attain the full Elton John effect.
Such was the animosity of the vociferous few towards his daughter that the King was forced to provide her with safe housing within the grounds of the Palace.
It was fortunate that the King was wealthy enough to so provide for his daughter as the local council was very reluctant to make her a special case. Perhaps if she had been a one legged, black, single parent lesbian they may have been more sympathetic.
And so it was that the King called in the best builders in the land and work on a suitable property was started immediately. After what seemed like a short time, but which was in actual fact several months, the Princess's new home was complete and the Barrett brothers got their first, last and only bonus for early completion.
However, the house was not as safe as the King had been led to believe and, after just a week, the security of the house had been compromised by extremists and he was forced to recall the builders to reassess the Princess' needs.
To save starting afresh with a new house the builders suggested putting an additional floor on top of the existing building and locking the ground floor up. This was duly done; but still the activists gained entry.
Whilst the Princess was very willing to have her defences penetrated, the King was not. Understandable, really. It's a father thing.
In desperation the King decreed that the ground floor be sealed and entry be via a ladder to the first floor.
This was fine until the zealots used a similar ladder one night to breach the defences. The King furiously ordered the first floor sealed as well. The Princess complained that she didn't have enough rooms to live in so the King ordered further stories to be added to the top of the building.
Week by week the lower levels were assaulted, week by week the assaulted levels were sealed and week by week new levels were added to the top until the Princess was marooned at the top of a tower so high she could overlook the entire kingdom. But at last she was safe from the marauding bigots below.
Whilst her safety was now assured she now had new pressing problems. As a Princess, tradition decreed that she marry and procreate by the time she was 21 and time was marching on.
Although she was a modern Princess and didn't feel she had to bow to public pressure to marry out of duty, she rather fancied the procreation side of tradition. But, how to procreate when the nearest man was at least 300 feet below her?
Her live-in maids had regaled her with tales of modern science, test tubes and the fact that you could get by without a man but she really couldn't see herself getting intimate with something that had Pyrex etched into its side and didn't include batteries. Panasonic was OK but glass was a bit impersonal.
She told her father to find her a husband but, as she had to shout from the top of the tower, all the neighbours heard it and very soon word spread that the Princess was open to gentlemen callers.
Never was the front drive of the Palace so busy. Carriages arrived hourly from far and wide. The King had to take on a Social Secretary to cope with the demand for an attempt on the North Face of the Tower.
As with all fathers, no young swain was going to be good enough for the King's daughter. Having her locked in a 300 foot tower gave him the perfect excuse to weed out most suitors before they even got within hailing distance of his precious Princess.
However, after careful vetting by the King a select few were allowed to make an attempt at gaining entry to the Princess's boudoir. These few were only allowed to try because the Princess's nagging, akin to an on-heat alleycat, was becoming intolerable to the King.
To safeguard his daughter's honour the King chose those that, physically, were not likely to be able to conquer the Tower. That way the Princess could not accuse him of being unco-operative while he was assured of her continuing isolation.
What the King did not take account of was that the wimps he chose to assault the impregnable tower had, due to Nature's lot, a surfeit of brains to balance the deficit of brawn.
The first attempt on the Tower by an anorak clad anaemic looked set for success right from the start. Armed with sheaves of paper covered in calculations, the spotty youth proceeded to build a complicated catapult arrangement some hundred yards from the base of the Tower. After several days the contraption was, he announced, ready to propel him through the air and into the Princess's arms.
The King was dubious but, as he had given his permission for the attempt and had, therefore, given tacit approval for a marriage if successful, gave his congratulatory speech. The first of many.
"It is with great honour that we, the peoples of the Kingdom, gather today to wish you every success in your attempt to rescue the Princess from her isolation, take her hand in marriage and, ultimately, provide an heir for the throne."
Strapping himself into the catapult, resplendent in his new anorak, the suitor pulled the lever, shot into the air in the direction of the Tower, overshot the top floor and was never seen again.
Presenting the sheaf of paper computations and plans to his learned men afterwards, the King was unsurprised to hear that a stray decimal point in the trajectory calculations was awry.
After many disastrous attempts on the edifice of the Princess's honour the final contender arrived at the foot of the Tower. By this time the Princess had grown bored with the expectation generated by all these attempts and was ready and willing to help in any way she could, just so that she could finally get her man, any man, and settle down to procreation. And anyway, she'd run out of batteries.
And so it was that when she was asked to throw down her hair, she did so without a moment's hesitation. Perhaps if she had thought before doing so there would have been a different ending to our tale.
As it was, she unwound her hair and tossed her tresses out of her bedroom window and watched as they tumbled to the ground and landed at the feet of her latest, and spottiest, beau. 300 feet of golden hair shimmered in the sunlight as the beau grasped handfuls and hauled himself up to first one floor and then another.
As each floor was reached the Princess could feel the tension on her scalp. And such was her relief that her ordeal was almost over that it wasn't until the poor boy was almost halfway up that she suddenly realised the consequences of his putting his weight on her hair; and in public.
She was just about to scream at him to go back when the unthinkable happened. The cheap glue which held the hair to her head parted company with her scalp and the wig, for that was what it was, fell to the ground killing the swain and 20 onlookers.
The King was mortified and in a fit of temper ordered the tower permanently sealed and the Princess left to her doom.
It was never known whether she starved to death or simply gave up the will to live after having been exposed as no better than the other slapheads in the Kingdom
© Pariss 1996

Cable 7 Script - Sleeping Beauty

SLEEPING BEAUTY
Transmission: 23 May 1996
Cable 7 - Live
Are we sitting comfortably, boys and girls? Then I shall begin.
Once upon a time, not so long time ago, there was a King who longed for a son and heir. For years he searched far and wide for a wife with little success. True, he often had someone to cook him breakfast but it wasn't the same.
Eventually, despairing of ever finding a suitable mother for his children, he finally settled on a girl whom his mother would, if not approve of, at least tolerate.
And so it was that the King walked down the aisle beside a shy, virginal, compulsive obsessive with an eating disorder and a propensity for dramas. In fact, everything a queen should be!
Given the unsuitability of the union it is no surprise that the product of this dysfunctional merger should be a tad ... off centre.
As the young Princess grew up her parents were too busy indulging their own disfunctions to notice her flaws.
While her father talked to his plants and cavorted with his dog, and her mother vomited and threw dramas, the Princess ran out of ways to get attention and she finally had to play her trump card, prick her finger, fall asleep and wait until a decent, well balanced, suitable young man turned up to awaken her with a kiss.
It was to be a long, long night.
Finally realising that something was seriously wrong when the Princess' gym instructor said she hadn't been for a workout in two days, the King and Queen searched the palace and found her asleep. This was not unusual. But to have missed two days of gym workouts, this was unheard of!
Consulting with a bevy of top medical experts it was found that nothing but a kiss could wake her. But the kiss had to be from an unselfish person. And so began what the Princess had craved all these years; attention, 24 hours a day. The constant care was late but, hopefully, not too late.
The King announced to the kingdom that an international search was to take place for a suitable person to awaken the princess. Unseemly scenes were played out as the various contenders vied to be the one allowed to kiss and awaken the princess dubbed by the tabloids 'The Queen of Tarts'.
One was a high profile sportsman, famed for his ample thighs and odd shaped balls, he stumbled at the last hurdle by being spotted by the tabloids entering the sleeping chamber. He was banished and ridiculed throughout the kingdom.
Another was a respectable city financier who blotted his copy book when he developed a phobia about speaking on the phone and couldn't tell the king his plans to help his daughter.
Finally a hero emerged from the ranks of the unknown. Ted, a lowly nobody; neither rich, influential nor with a high profile presented the monarch with a solution.
Ted was a close personal friend of one of the Princes, Aidan, with whom he worked in the theatre permanently touring Privates on Parade and, as such, was also a personal friend of the princess.
Ted wanted nothing, except to help his friends.
And so it was that one balmy, spring morning Ted was given permission to approach the royal bedroom where the princess had been asleep for what seemed a hundred years.
Fed only by a drip in her arm and given daily psycho-aerobic therapy, the princess was waif-like amidst the hypo-allergenic bedding.
Ted quietly approached the bed and instinctively sidestepped the royal corgis.
Ted bent over the recumbent princess and gently brushed his lips against her cheek, as he had so many times before. Stepping back he watched as her eyelids fluttered and she breathed deeply. She was, at last, awake.
Ted was overjoyed. The princess was aghast. 'My god, I look a mess!', she said and promptly threw up. She knew exactly what she looked like as she could see her reflection in the mirror on the ceiling.
'Quick, get me a hairdresser, a makeup artist, a masseur, a psychic and a couturier. I can't possibly be seen by the press looking like this.'
Ted had to sit for 3 hours by the bed while the various minions came in and plucked, pummelled and moisturised various parts of the princess. This was followed by another 2 hours of manipulation of her mind and ego by a further round of aides. And all this time Ted, and the courtiers waiting outside, fretted. Would she never be satisfied?
Finally the princess was ready to face her adoring fans and continue her life in the full glare of publicity. She emerged to gasps of approbation from the assembled populace. She was now a fully paid up goddess and martyr.
Of course the King and Queen got a lot of stick for not supporting her; her would-be saviours got a lot of stick for being unwise enough to try and help her. Only Ted, who wanted nothing, and the Princess came out of the whole thing virtually unscathed.
Ted went back to the theatre and continued touring, with Aidan in tow. And the Princess went on to become a major TV personality and ended up with her own 26 week mini-series on Sky and lived happily ever after.
© Pariss 1996

Almost Fabulous - Script 2 - 15/10/95

Almost Fabulous

Y THEATRE - 15/10/95
Patsy Click, click, flash, flash, Patsy, Patsy, this way, that way; will you people just leave me alone. You, yes you from the Leicester Mercury, put that camera away; this face is signed exclusively to Hello Magazine; for 5 figures. Where's Eddie, she should have been here ages ago. Eddie! Edina!
Eddie Patsy, darling, where the buggery bollocks have you been? Saffy and I have been searching everywhere for you, sweetie.
Patsy Saffy? Did you say Saffy, darling? You mean you dragged that little bitch troll from hell all the way up here with us. Thanks a lot sweetie! This was supposed to be our little trip; quality time together, sweetie.
Eddie Oh, come on darling ...
Patsy Listen, babe, just remember I'm you're best friend. I've known you longer than your ... daughter.
Eddie Come on, Pats, don't worry about her; the little runt saw a Jesus Army mini-bus and nearly had her first orgasm. I haven't seen her since!
Patsy About bloody time, too ... What the bloody hell is this place, anyway.
Eddie Y Theatre, sweetie.
Patsy Y Theatre, darling? Why a theatre? Couldn't we have stayed in London. There was this gorgeous little happening in Versace tonight ...
Eddie ... and you were just dying to see how big it got out of the Versace ... Huh, darling?
Patsy Yah, whatever, sweetie. What are we here for, anyway?
Eddie Charity benefit, or something.
Patsy Charity, sweetie, since when did we do Charity, sweetie? What's it for?
Eddie Prozac or something, sweetie
Patsy Oh, right, yah! ... What's Prozac?
Eddie Happy drugs, darling (Patsy perks up) Here's one I prepared earlier (takes out wrap. Patsy grabs it and snorts it) Bubble swears by it.
Patsy Not bad, sweetie (starts and suddenly drops the wrap) They're coming!
Eddie Coming, sweetie? Who?
Patsy Coming
Eddie Coming?
Patsy Coming
Eddie Going
Patsy Coming
Eddie Stop!
Patsy Coming
Eddie I wish I was!
Patsy They're all here with me now, darling; Chris Evans, Simon Mayo, Tony Blackburn ..
Eddie Pats, have you been on that ouija board again?
Patsy Terry Wogan, Gloria Hunniford; they're all coming.
Eddie Stop it now, Pats. Come on now, Pats. That's right, darling.
Patsy Coming, all coming
Eddie (slaps Patsy's face)
Patsy Going ..... coming (slap) ..... going .... coming ..
Eddie (slaps Patsy's bottom)
Patsy All gone
Eddie You really must get your coil adjusted, Patsy, it's picking up Radio 1 again. Or you could put your cap in and we can watch Sky movies.
Patsy Hang on, sweetie, something else is coming through (adjusts crotch). It's Serge!
Eddie Serge! Serge, my darling son, my only true child, the precious fruit of my loins, the light of my life.
Patsy Yah, that's the one!
Eddie Where is he, darling?
Patsy (points to her crotch, bemused) New Zealand.
Eddie New Zealand?
Patsy Yah, sweetie. Dark tunnels, ancient passages, volcanic eruptions.
Eddie But what about New Zealand? (goes up Patsy's skirt) Serge!
Patsy Sorry, sweetie, I seem to have lost him.
Eddie I'm not surprised up there, darling. Serge!
Patsy I've never actually met Serge; does he exist? Or is he like her lovers, all in her imagination? Right then, after all that I need a wazz! I'm off, Eddie.
Eddie Pats, Pats! You can't go, darling; you can't leave me here, on my own. I could end up injured. I could end up in hospital; they wouldn't understand that I'm special; they just wouldn't understand. Listen, darling, if I went into hospital just think how many trips to Harvey Nics you'd have to miss coming to visit me ... please don't leave me. (Eddie is on her knees, pleading)
Patsy You obviously mistake me for someone who gives a damn but ... OK, I'll stay! (Eddie claws her way upright)
Eddie Patsy, you look as though you've put a little weight on, sweetie. You're not preggers are you, darling?
Patsy I bloody well hope not! I'll have the bastard hoovered out if I am! Pity you didn't think of that 20 years ago before you saddled us with that ... that thing you call ...
Eddie Saffy, darling. Come on, spit it out! (Patsy spits) Well, Patsy, unlike you, she was born of love; a union made in heaven, a ...
Patsy A quickie with a Queen! and every move supervised by your mother! I mean, where would you get a man to have sex with you now?
Eddie Well, at least my mother was a mother to me ..
Patsy (aside) she was a mother to me, too. (To Eddie) At least my mother taught me about sex!
Eddie Your mother was the original slot machine at Monte Carlo. Anyway, I'm sort of off sex, so to speak ...
Patsy Can't pull, eh?
Eddie No, it's not that, it's just ..
Patsy Well, perhaps it's just as well. Anyone going down between those thighs would need to roll you in flour and look for a damp spot.
Eddie No, sweetie, I've made a decision and opted for celibacy. It's my choice!
Patsy Celibacy? Fat and ugly with no chance of a shag, more like!
Eddie Just because you're a working sperm ban doesn't mean we all have to be shagging 24 hours a day. You're just a vessel waiting to be filled. As it happens I do have someone.
Patsy Well, come on then darling, tell me all about him. Is he good where it counts?
Eddie Uh?
Patsy You know, darling, sex!
Eddie Tell me, sweetie, what's this foreplay thing? It eludes me.
Patsy Oh, sweetie, that's the easy part. Just find a parking spot!
Eddie Right, sweetie, fine.
(Enter Hunk)
Patsy Well, hello!
Eddie (pushes Patsy aside) Patsy, get your hormones back in neutral. This one's mine!
Hunk (to Eddie) Who's your friend?
Eddie Who's my friend? Who's my friend? Who's my buggery bollocky friend?
Patsy (to Hunk) Five minutes. My dressing room. And slip your motor into turbo. You'll need it!
Eddie Typical! Bloody, bollocky typical. It's always you, isn't it? Legs up to your armpits and a Venus Flytrap in your Janet Raegers. I just don't get a look in!
Patsy Now come on, Eddie, don't get all bitter and twisted on me again.
Eddie Well, he saw me first.
Patsy Your problem in one, sweetie.
Eddie Well, thank you, sweetie. Thank you very much. I suppose you realise that for the whole of 1996 that's me done with buggering sex.
Patsy Well, that's one option I'd never discard!
Eddie (screams) You've done this to me. (screams again) I'm just one valium short of a nervous breakdown. Where's Saffy? Saffy, Saffy, come to Momma. Now!
Patsy Eddie, babe, chill out. Listen, I've got a little surprise for you.
Eddie Surprise? Cheers, thanks a lot.
Patsy But it's the PSB's.
Eddie The Bloody Pet Shop Boys, darling? For me?
Patsy Well, one of them, anyway.
Eddie Which one is it? Chris or Neil (PSB's come out) Oh, Pats, it's the ugly one.
Patsy Sorry, sweetie, I've worn the pretty one out.
Eddie Oh, Pats, you didn't. You did, didn't you. Oh what the hell. There's something I've always wanted to do.
Patsy Gimme that Prozac. Let's disco, babe
Eddie Lights, models, guest list. Just do your best, darling.

(c) Almost Fabulous 1995
 

Photoshoot - Greetings Cards - 19/9/95

I was approached by Armadillo Cards to do a photo shoot for a series of greetings cards which went on sale on the summer of 1995

Almost Fabulous - Script 1 - 1994

Almost Fabulous

ALMOST FABULOUS - first performed on 3/4/94 in StreetLife, Leicester.
[Cue 'Wheels on Fire' - Siouxsie & The Banshees, first verse and chorus]
Edina Patsy, where are you? We've a PA to do in this tacky disco.
Patsy I'm in the gents. I'll be with you in a moment.
Edina Couldn't you have waited. It's very unhygienic doing it in a public place. [Enter Patsy] Well, what have you got to say.
Patsy [Swallows] Sorry, sweetie, couldn't speak with my mouth full. [Looks Edina up and down in horror] What is that?
Edina [Does a catwalk twirl] It's the latest thing in Christian. [Preening]
Patsy Terry Christian, sweetie?
Edina No, darling, Lacroix. Christian Lacroix.
Patsy It looks like a load of bollocks. How much did you pay for it?
Edina Hundreds. It is Lacroix, it can't be that bad.
Patsy [Does a quick face change] Oh, well, in that case it's fabulous.
Edina [looks round at the back of the stage] Where the hell are we? This doesn't look like the buggering dressing room we were promised. I'll kill that booking agent, he said a jacuzzi and a ...[Patsy taps her on the shoulder while looking at the audience, stunned]
Patsy Sweetie.
Edina Where's the Bolly we were promised? Where's the ... [turns round and freezes] Shit! [Whispers] Pats, we're on the stage. Smile, godammit.
Patsy I daren't, something will snap.
Edina [Turns round with back to audience] What we need here is a little something. What have you got, Pats?
Patsy [Still frozen to the spot and staring at the audience, reaches into her hair and retrieves a huge joint] How about this? [Retrieves another and lights it for herself]
Edina [Lights up and takes a huge drag before visibly relaxing] Wow, great! What is it? Columbian?
Patsy No way! Don't you have a social conscience? Do you know how they ravage their rainforests?
Edina My forest could do with a bit of ravaging. [Wistfully]
Patsy Actually it's ecologically replanted grass.
Edina [Dreamy] Yeah, always do something for the environment. [Change of mood] Well buggery bollocks to the environment. I suppose next you'll want organic coke.
Patsy Oh, do you have some, then?
Edina [Rummages in her bag and brings out first a Tango and then a can of Pepsi] No, but I've got a Pepsi.
Patsy What I really need is some hard drugs. Give me some smack [Edina slaps her] What else have you got in there?
Edina [Rummages in her handbag] I've only got a Lemsip.
Patsy That'll do! [Grabs the Lemsip, rips the top off, snorts it and sneezes the rest over the audience] Got anything to wash it down with, sweetie?
Edina Yeah, here. [Pours Patsy a glass of champagne]
Patsy Cheers!
Edina So, what happened to you last night?
Patsy It was horrific. Jason and I had a fight. Then we had a bottle of wine, a few joints, a meal, a few more joints, another bottle of wine .....
Edina Then what?
Patsy Then we had great sex on the table.
Edina Sounds like your average night.
Patsy Yeah, trouble is I can't really go back to that restaurant again now.
Edina Is there nothing that would shame you?
Patsy [Looks Edina up and down] Only wearing that in a public place.
Edina You don't have any scruples, do you?
Patsy Shouldn't think so. I've just finished this month's penicillin
Edina So why were you so late today?
Patsy Well, darling, I would have been here earlier but I just had to pop into Harvey Nic's. They have the most divine thing in Janet Reger Knickers. He looked pretty damn good out of them, too.
Edina [as Patsy bends to adjust her shoe] You didn't have to give him yours as well! That reminds me, I bumped into your plastic surgeon when I took the cat in to be castrated yesterday.
Patsy Ooh, sweetie, can we change the subject. It brings back painful memories of Marrakech.
Edina [pulling a sour face] He asked how your latest facelift turned out.
Patsy [looking daggers at Eddy] Fine, thank you!
Edina You could just as easily grow a moustache to hide all those stretch marks, darling, rather than resorting to surgery. How many times is it now, sweetie? Three, four or five?
Patsy Six, actually.
Edina Well, sweetie, be very careful about shaving your bikini line. You don't want to get razor rash on your top lip, now do you? You'd have to start gargling with Femfresh.
Patsy I don't have to be here, you know. I could be in Antigua, Montserrat, Skegness. Anywhere that doesn't have gossipy never-have-beens that look every year of their age and weigh a stone for each of them!
Edina Well, bugger off, then!
Patsy OK, I will [is flouncing off the stage when her mobile phone rings Lazily pushes 'power-on' button] Yeah, Pats here. [Listens] [Punches 'power-off' button in disgust] [Looks at Edina] It was only a heavy breather. [Phone goes again. Edina snatches it from Patsy's hands]
Edina Hello, hello.
Patsy [Suddenly interested] Hello magazine?
Edina [To Patsy] No, it's Serge, he's having an asthma attack. [Patsy goes to leave] Pats! You can't leave me. [To Serge] Yes, darling. Where? Nepal? [To Patsy] You can't go. You can't leave me [pause] here [gestures discretely at audience] on my own. [Patsy is obviously making Edina suffer] Everyone leaves me. Even my only son Serge isn't here. At this very moment, in my hour of need, he's halfway up a mountain with a bunch of gorillas, pretending to be Sigorney Weaver. [Talks to Serge on the phone]
Patsy [To audience] I've never met Serge. Does he exist? Or is he like her lovers, only in her imagination?
Edina Serge, I have to go, sweetie. Yes, darling, I'm chanting as we speak. [Closes phone and goes to Patsy] Please Pats, please don't leave me on my own. [Patsy is still pretending to ponder. Edina has a temper tantrum] You'd leave me sodding alone, wouldn't you? Alone in a strange place, full of strange men ...
Patsy Men? [Peers into the audience] Really?
Edina They're not your type.
Patsy Are they breathing?
Edina [Peers at the audience] Just.
Patsy They're my type. [Goes to get off the stage and climb into the audience. Edina grabs her]
Edina [To Patsy] Don't try and humour THEM [gestures to audience]. What do they know? Not a designer label among them. Most of them are in M&S or Clone Zone. Look, [points to front row] that one is even bold enough to come out in Man at C&A. Last year's range! Oh, God, she looks terrible.
Patsy I don't normally forget a face but, in her case, I'll make an exception. Do you think Greenpeace know about her?
Edina [Goes down on her knees and crawls to Patsy] You will stay, won't you? You can't leave me alone on this stage. Anything could happen. Do you know how much damage a falling 60 watt light bulb can cause.
Patsy 40 watt, sweetie. They're cheap.
Edina Whatever. I could end up in hospital and you'd have to visit me every day. Just think how many trips to Harvey Nic's you'd have to miss. Please, sweetie, [pouting] please don't leave me.
Patsy You mistake me for someone who gives a damn but, OK [Pause for Edina to get up off the floor] [Clicks fingers as British Gas commercial] Don't you just love being in control.
Edina Patsy, what would you have liked to be if you hadn't been a wildly successful magazine publisher?
Patsy Well, I studied animal husbandry for a while ....
Edina Until you got caught! You're the only person I know that's been convicted of donkey abuse.
Patsy Yeah, they did give me short shrift ...
Edina And you never usually take anything short, do you, darling? Haven't you heard of safe sex?
Patsy Of course, sweetie. There's safety in numbers. And anyway, I always wear rubber.
Edina No! HE'S supposed to wear the rubber.
Patsy You dress your way, I'll dress mine.
Edina Pats, you look as though you've put a bit of weight on. You're not preggers are you?
Patsy I bloody well hope not! I'll have it hoovered out if I am.
Edina Patsy, you are on the pill, aren't you?
Patsy Of course, sweetie. Which particular pill? Speed, E, Acid, Barbs?
Edina THE Pill. The one that stops you ....
Patsy Oh, I'd never take something that would stop me doing anything. My Gynie once asked me if I practiced oral contraception. I thought at first he meant oral sex and I said yes, even though it did leave a bad taste in the mouth. But nothing a large G & T can't flush down.
Edina Patsy, you'd be a nymphomaniac if you slowed down a bit.
Patsy Of course, sweetie. Scientists use me to prove the existence of perpetual motion. Perhaps you should try it. It might reverse some of the unkind things that Mr Gravity has done to you.
Edina I know, sweetie, but I'm ..... sort of ..... well, off sex, so to speak .....
Patsy Can't pull, eh?
Edina No, it's not that. It's just that ....
Patsy [looks at Edie's thighs] Well, perhaps it's just as well. Anyone going down between those thighs would have to roll you in flour and look for a moist spot.
Edina Just because you're a working sperm bank, doesn't mean we all have to be shagging 24 hours a day. As it happens I do have someone.
Patsy Where did you meet him? Carlton Hayes? So, what's he like, this fella? Does he have pierced ears?
Edina Pierced ears? What has that got to do with anything?
Patsy Always go for a guy with pierced ears. That way you know they can endure pain and know how to buy jewellery. Of course, the only men you know with any taste in jewellery are gay, and they keep it themselves.
Edina Well, actually, he bought me these. [Fingers long, dangly, clip-on ear-rings]
Patsy [Peers at ear-ring and then rips it off] Ratners! We don't do THAT, sweetie! [Edina rips the other one off in disgust] I'll bet he's the type who puts love-bites on his neck with a Hoover. Is that the only type you ever attract.
Edina Am I really that bad? Tell me the truth, sweetie.
Patsy Nothing that liposuction to the hips and stomach, a bum hoist and the loss of a rib or two can't cure. But you do have a pretty chin; it's just a shame you had to add two more.
Edina It's not my fault. I just look at a chocolate [looks at box of chocs] and I put on 10 pounds. [Patsy waves a chocolate under her nose] I've got a build up of bodily toxins; a hormone imbalance; a heavy aura ..
Patsy You could join Weight Watchers, they'd prrobably give you a bulk discount. Anyway, I thought you were on that Elton John diet; chew on anything but don't swallow it. Remind me not to use that line when I'm sober.
Edina I've tried everything. I even tried colonic irrigation.
Patsy And that's not to be sniffed at ...
Edina I've tried rebirthing ...
Patsy You aborted that idea pretty quick!
Edina I even gave up drinking once ... trouble is that sober I had total recall. Horrible! I've been shaved, plucked, moisturised, wrapped, pummelled and starved. All to no effect. Sweetie, there IS a slim person trying to fight their way out of this bloated body.
Patsy A whole bloody army, by the look of it.
Edina I suppose it's working your way through the army that keeps you as thin as you are. I don't know how you manage all those weapons. Now that we are over 40 we have to be very careful of our weight. It said so in Hello magazine last week.
Patsy Over 40? I'm only 35, and I'll sue anyone who says different.
Edina [Innocently] I can remember when we were still both the same age. [Whines] Please, sweetie, tell me the secret of your disgustingly slim figure.
Patsy Diet, darling. Barbiturates and alcohol three times a day and a healthy dose of Bulimia. Princess Di swears by it.
Edina Tell me, Pats, do I still look wonderful. Huh, do I, do I?
Patsy [Looks at audience] The only thing she'd look wonderful in is a body bag, or perhaps something long and flowing like a river. [Looks back at Edina] Of course, darling, you look ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS. Eddie, I'm just coming up on that Lemsip, let's take a couple of E's and go and boogie.

(c) Almost Fabulous 1994