CINDERELLA
Transmission: 20 June 1996
Cable 7 - Live
Are we sitting comfortably, boys and girls? Then I shall begin.
Once upon a time, long long ago, there lived a King whose unfortunate
lot was to head the most dysfunctional family in the Kingdom.
The King's second wife, the Queen, had arrived at the altar complete
with a ready made family of two over-indulged daughters and had proceeded
to disrupt and dominate the household.
Looking like an American soap star, the wicked stepmother retained
her looks solely by virtue of numerous nips, tucks and clever makeup techniques.
Her preoccupation with just the right mood lighting meant that none of the
joins ever showed. This was also the reason why she never ventured out in
daylight.
The King's sole child from his first, tragic marriage was Cinderella.
As much as he loved her he was unable to protect her from the wrath of his
wife. The King had become an emasculated house husband whose sole job was
to write cheques.
Without the King's protection Cinderella found herself consigned
to the bowels of the castle and forced to work in the kitchens.
The sisters weren't subjected to such hard manual labour. If
fact, they didn't really work at all. After much pushing by the King the nearest
they ever got to working was to sign up for training with the Government.
Buttons was the sole remaining member of the King's staff to
escape the Queen's downsizing regime. And it was to Buttons that Cinderella
would pour her heart out when things got particularly rough.
And things looked as though they could get very rough, very soon.
For some time Cinderella had been hearing odd noises coming from
the cellars next to the kitchen; especially late at night.
She knew that the sisters used the rooms for some sort of storage
but, as the doors were always locked tight, she had no idea what was in there.
And another thing. Cinderella had noticed that every few weeks
a goat would disappear from the grounds; and sometimes several chickens.
She confided to Buttons but he had no ideas so they both vowed
to talk to a higher authority.
Buttons had been secretly trying to better himself in readiness
for the day that the wicked queen finally managed to get rid of him. For 4
nights a week he had been taking his City & Guilds in Interior Design
and it was to his tutor that he took Cinderella for advice.
Teaching at the local Poly was only a part-time occupation for
the tutor. Her vocation was as a Fairy Godmother. And it was as such that
she decided to investigate the strange goings on at the castle.
Several days later Cinderella, Buttons and the Fairy Godmother
huddled round the fire in the kitchen and discussed their findings.
'Well' said the Fairy Godmother 'they are doing awful things
to the goats and chickens. And I found a quantity of black candles as well.'
'Satanic Rites' said Buttons 'It's only to be expected, I suppose,
they are training to be Social Workers. I expect they will be moving to Scotland
soon.'
Cinderella wanted nothing to do with all this.
'I must get away' she said 'But how?'
'Well' said Buttons 'the only way is an advantageous marriage'
'But who to?' wailed Cinderella.
'Mmmm' said the Fairy Godmother 'I do know a Chippendale who
would kill for a UK passport ..'
'I can't marry a chair' said Cinderella, who knew nothing of
the world of the sexploitation of men and their bodies and had to have it
explained by Buttons.
And so it was that Cinderella went to a Ladies Night and picked
out the Chippendale of her choice, married him and moved out of the clutches
of both her step mother and her satanic sisters.
Her one mistake was taking Buttons with her when she left. However,
at least Buttons and the Chippendale lived happily ever after, so all was
not lost.
© Pariss 1996
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