Script - Chat Show From Hell - 1994

CHAT SHOW FROM HELL

            [Chat Show host, Mike Moron, is wearing a metallic blue Crimplene suit with blue sequins on the lapels and down the side of his trousers. He also wears a very bad toupee which is blond on top and dark brown round the edges]

Mike:   [In quite a refined TV voice] And hello to you and you and you! [Points around the audience] It's Tuesday. It's 2.30 in the afternoon. It must be the Today's The Day With Mike Morran, or The Mike Morran Show as I like to call it, live from the TV studios here in _______. And remember, audience, this is live TV, so no shouting out rude words to upset the producer. 

            [Reverting to natural coarse northern voice] He's the dickhead you will see from time to time walking around with headphones on. He's only here to make up the numbers and all he can hear is Dana, so he'll probably fall asleep very soon. Anyway, I say all the bloody swearwords in this show, so shut your sodding faces and just do as you're told. 

            When we want you to clap, some twat on work experience will come out of the wings with a board on that says APPLAUSE. For those that can't read, and I'm sure there must be a few, judging by the number of Giros cashed at the bar, just follow the rest of the herd. 

            Right, we'll have a quick rehearsal. That's TV jargon for let's try and get it right the first time, just for once. When the prat walks on, clap. Is that simple enough for you? Right. 

            Oi! Stupid! Get your arse in gear and earn your money! [Stage hand walks on with Applause board held up] Bloody hell! I know we don't pay you much but you might at least have made an effort to look half decent. This is a rated show.

            [To audience] Jesus! Is that the best you can do? I've seen more life in a tramp's vest! We've got some real class crumpet coming on here in a minute and I've spent all bleeding morning buttering the sad old cows up so they may even be entertaining for you. The least you can do is show some enthusiasm.

            Right, let's do it one more time. Where's the buggering boy now? [Walks off to the wings] There may not be much light here but I can still see what you're doing, you dirty little bleeder. Put him down! Now get out here and wave your bloody card. [Pulls stage hand onto stage]

            [To audience] That's a bit better. OK, let's drag the has beens out.

            [Theme music plays] [In refined TV voice] And hello to you and you and you! [Points around the audience] It's Tuesday. It's 2.30 in the afternoon. It must be Today's The Day With Mike Morran, or the Mike Morran Show as I like to call it, live from the TV studios here in _______. Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen [looks around]. Well, they've done the place up well. It's amazing what you can do with a bit of chipboard and a lick of emulsion. You'd never guess it used to be an abattoir!.

            And in a packed show today we have a discussion on security with the Kray Twins. Only joking! Actually we have, as usual, a galaxy of stars for you. In fact, here on The Mike Morran Show, you can see more stars than the Betty Ford Clinic!

            And today we have, in keeping with our policy of bringing you the very best, our special guest, the wonderful Krystal, from Dynasty. [Dynasty theme tune. Stage hand walks on with APPLAUSE board][Enter Krystal, slightly dazed]

Mike:   Good afternoon, Mrs Carrington.

Krystal: Good God, is this live TV?

Mike:   Yes. There are millions of your fans watching at this very moment.

Krystal:  Oh, no. Quick, I need a Valium! [rummages in her purse and takes a couple of pills] I'd give anything for another coma!

Mike:   I'm sure your many fans would like to know how your husband Blake is.

Krystal:  [breaks down and sobs] Oh, Blake, my dear husband. [takes out a grey wig from her purse] I always carry an important part of him with me wherever I go. [talks to wig] Oh, darling, you are my life, my very reason for living. Without you I am nothing.

Mike:   Where is he now?

Krystal:  Oh, he's striking a deal with the local branch of the Denver Bank here in ......

Mike:   He's not far away, then?

Krystal:  [with a faraway look] Whenever he is not right by my side I feel that part of me is missing.

Mike:   But I thought the surgery had fixed all that.

Krystal:  If I can't see his steel grey hair shining in his reflected glory I feel I have lost him. It is as though the sun has gone in and I am living in perpetual darkness until he returns.

Mike:   And how is your daughter, Krystina?

Krystal: [Rummages in her purse and pulls out a soiled nappy in a plastic bag] Oh, Krystina, my darling daughter. [sniffs the nappy] I always carry an important part of her around with me wherever I go. [talks to nappy] Oh, darling you are my life, my very reason for living. Without you I am nothing.

Mike:   Haven't I heard that somewhere before?

Krystal: My husband and my daughter are the most important things in my life. The only things worth living for.

Mike:   Let's talk about your marriage to Blake.

Krystal: [clutches grey wig to her face again] Oh, Blake, my dear husband ....

Mike:   OK, I think we've done that bit! [Krystal looks daggers] How did Blake react when you found out that you were still married to Mark, all those years ago?

Krystal: [pulls out a set of divorce papers] Oh, Mark, my dear ex-husband. [she holds the papers to her face] I always carry an important part of him with me wherever I go. [talks to papers] Oh, darling, you are my life, my very reason for living. Without you I am nothing.

Mike:   Your ex-husband?

Krystal: We all have to have our memories!

Mike:   What about Alexis, your husband Blake's ex-wife?

Krystal: Oh, Alexis ..... [rummages in purse and brings out a knife/gun] That she-devil, she is evil personified!

Mike:   So, you two don't get on, then?

Krystal: She's not a really bad person - until you get to know her!

Mike:   Who is she married to these days?

Krystal: Oh, I think she is getting divorced again. I'm not sure who the lucky man is! That'll mean she will be looking for a new husband. I wonder whose it will be this time?

Mike:   Well, of course, we all know that behind Krystal Carrington there is a superb actress. She is the biggest, most successful star apart form Glenn Close. Or Liz Hurley. In fact she's not even as big as Olympia Dukakais. But nevertheless, she is here. Please welcome the woman behind the shoulder pads and the heavy make up, Ms Linda Evans. [stage hand walks on with APPLAUSE board]

Linda:   Thank you Mike. [Kisses Mike tentatively] It's so nice to be on the Mike Moron Show.

Mike: Morran. Mike Morran.

Linda: Morran? But I thought it was Moron. Are you sure. My people said I'd be going on that moron's show, so I sorta assumed ....

Mike: [Looking daggers] That's a nice perfume you're wearing. What is it?

Linda:   It's my own, newly launched scent. It's called Krystal and is currently on sale at ...

Mike:   How appropriate. I'm wearing Brut Aquatronic. I'm a trendsetter as well. I splash it all over.

Linda:   I thought it was a bit overpowering. I tend to rely on quality rather than quantity.

Mike:   It's usually guys with small dicks who subscribe to that philosophy!

Linda:   I'd rather have one than be one!

Mike: [looking angry] Well, that's all we have time for. Ms Linda Evans, thank you very much for coming to see us here on The Mike Morran Show.

Krystal: But I didn't mention my book .... What about my book, and the video tie-in, and the serialisation ...

Mike:   Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you've enjoyed this afternoon's show. Please tune in tomorrow when we have Shelly Winters on the ultimate diet and Mark Thatcher on map reading. [Cue theme music] Get this cow off my stage.

Krystal: But, but ...

Mike: [Getting angry] Listen, just get off my stage before I have security bundle your sad old body back into its box. I don't have to share my stage with battered old actresses who will resort to anything to stay in the limelight. I have a talent, you know. Just because I haven't conned Hollywood into paying me millions doesn't mean I don't have something to give.

Paul: [Removing wig, and using real voice] Glenn, you can relax now, its only a show. We've finished.

Glenn:   [Real voice] Sometimes it all gets too much. Donning a frock for a laugh just isn't really me but at least I can throw away a character I don't really believe in. This Mike Moron thing ...

Paul: [laughs] Morran!

Glenn:   [laughs bitterly] Morran, then. This Mike Morran, it's cheap, it's tacky but it's taking over. I can't shrug it off sometimes.

Paul:     How many more shows have we got to do?

Glenn:   Too many, plus the cabaret spots.

Paul:     Well, you'd better get your act together. We've invested a lot of time and effort in this show. It's my big break as well, you know, and I'm not having you screw it up. Get a life or get out! [Exits. Lights dim and Glenn is left in a spotlight]

Glenn:   Some bloody life this is. [Takes centre stage and sings Losing My Mind. Paul is watching from the side of the stage. At the end Paul puts his arm around Glenn and they both walk off into the wings. Curtain.