Almost Fabulous - Script 2 - 15/10/95

Almost Fabulous

Y THEATRE - 15/10/95
Patsy Click, click, flash, flash, Patsy, Patsy, this way, that way; will you people just leave me alone. You, yes you from the Leicester Mercury, put that camera away; this face is signed exclusively to Hello Magazine; for 5 figures. Where's Eddie, she should have been here ages ago. Eddie! Edina!
Eddie Patsy, darling, where the buggery bollocks have you been? Saffy and I have been searching everywhere for you, sweetie.
Patsy Saffy? Did you say Saffy, darling? You mean you dragged that little bitch troll from hell all the way up here with us. Thanks a lot sweetie! This was supposed to be our little trip; quality time together, sweetie.
Eddie Oh, come on darling ...
Patsy Listen, babe, just remember I'm you're best friend. I've known you longer than your ... daughter.
Eddie Come on, Pats, don't worry about her; the little runt saw a Jesus Army mini-bus and nearly had her first orgasm. I haven't seen her since!
Patsy About bloody time, too ... What the bloody hell is this place, anyway.
Eddie Y Theatre, sweetie.
Patsy Y Theatre, darling? Why a theatre? Couldn't we have stayed in London. There was this gorgeous little happening in Versace tonight ...
Eddie ... and you were just dying to see how big it got out of the Versace ... Huh, darling?
Patsy Yah, whatever, sweetie. What are we here for, anyway?
Eddie Charity benefit, or something.
Patsy Charity, sweetie, since when did we do Charity, sweetie? What's it for?
Eddie Prozac or something, sweetie
Patsy Oh, right, yah! ... What's Prozac?
Eddie Happy drugs, darling (Patsy perks up) Here's one I prepared earlier (takes out wrap. Patsy grabs it and snorts it) Bubble swears by it.
Patsy Not bad, sweetie (starts and suddenly drops the wrap) They're coming!
Eddie Coming, sweetie? Who?
Patsy Coming
Eddie Coming?
Patsy Coming
Eddie Going
Patsy Coming
Eddie Stop!
Patsy Coming
Eddie I wish I was!
Patsy They're all here with me now, darling; Chris Evans, Simon Mayo, Tony Blackburn ..
Eddie Pats, have you been on that ouija board again?
Patsy Terry Wogan, Gloria Hunniford; they're all coming.
Eddie Stop it now, Pats. Come on now, Pats. That's right, darling.
Patsy Coming, all coming
Eddie (slaps Patsy's face)
Patsy Going ..... coming (slap) ..... going .... coming ..
Eddie (slaps Patsy's bottom)
Patsy All gone
Eddie You really must get your coil adjusted, Patsy, it's picking up Radio 1 again. Or you could put your cap in and we can watch Sky movies.
Patsy Hang on, sweetie, something else is coming through (adjusts crotch). It's Serge!
Eddie Serge! Serge, my darling son, my only true child, the precious fruit of my loins, the light of my life.
Patsy Yah, that's the one!
Eddie Where is he, darling?
Patsy (points to her crotch, bemused) New Zealand.
Eddie New Zealand?
Patsy Yah, sweetie. Dark tunnels, ancient passages, volcanic eruptions.
Eddie But what about New Zealand? (goes up Patsy's skirt) Serge!
Patsy Sorry, sweetie, I seem to have lost him.
Eddie I'm not surprised up there, darling. Serge!
Patsy I've never actually met Serge; does he exist? Or is he like her lovers, all in her imagination? Right then, after all that I need a wazz! I'm off, Eddie.
Eddie Pats, Pats! You can't go, darling; you can't leave me here, on my own. I could end up injured. I could end up in hospital; they wouldn't understand that I'm special; they just wouldn't understand. Listen, darling, if I went into hospital just think how many trips to Harvey Nics you'd have to miss coming to visit me ... please don't leave me. (Eddie is on her knees, pleading)
Patsy You obviously mistake me for someone who gives a damn but ... OK, I'll stay! (Eddie claws her way upright)
Eddie Patsy, you look as though you've put a little weight on, sweetie. You're not preggers are you, darling?
Patsy I bloody well hope not! I'll have the bastard hoovered out if I am! Pity you didn't think of that 20 years ago before you saddled us with that ... that thing you call ...
Eddie Saffy, darling. Come on, spit it out! (Patsy spits) Well, Patsy, unlike you, she was born of love; a union made in heaven, a ...
Patsy A quickie with a Queen! and every move supervised by your mother! I mean, where would you get a man to have sex with you now?
Eddie Well, at least my mother was a mother to me ..
Patsy (aside) she was a mother to me, too. (To Eddie) At least my mother taught me about sex!
Eddie Your mother was the original slot machine at Monte Carlo. Anyway, I'm sort of off sex, so to speak ...
Patsy Can't pull, eh?
Eddie No, it's not that, it's just ..
Patsy Well, perhaps it's just as well. Anyone going down between those thighs would need to roll you in flour and look for a damp spot.
Eddie No, sweetie, I've made a decision and opted for celibacy. It's my choice!
Patsy Celibacy? Fat and ugly with no chance of a shag, more like!
Eddie Just because you're a working sperm ban doesn't mean we all have to be shagging 24 hours a day. You're just a vessel waiting to be filled. As it happens I do have someone.
Patsy Well, come on then darling, tell me all about him. Is he good where it counts?
Eddie Uh?
Patsy You know, darling, sex!
Eddie Tell me, sweetie, what's this foreplay thing? It eludes me.
Patsy Oh, sweetie, that's the easy part. Just find a parking spot!
Eddie Right, sweetie, fine.
(Enter Hunk)
Patsy Well, hello!
Eddie (pushes Patsy aside) Patsy, get your hormones back in neutral. This one's mine!
Hunk (to Eddie) Who's your friend?
Eddie Who's my friend? Who's my friend? Who's my buggery bollocky friend?
Patsy (to Hunk) Five minutes. My dressing room. And slip your motor into turbo. You'll need it!
Eddie Typical! Bloody, bollocky typical. It's always you, isn't it? Legs up to your armpits and a Venus Flytrap in your Janet Raegers. I just don't get a look in!
Patsy Now come on, Eddie, don't get all bitter and twisted on me again.
Eddie Well, he saw me first.
Patsy Your problem in one, sweetie.
Eddie Well, thank you, sweetie. Thank you very much. I suppose you realise that for the whole of 1996 that's me done with buggering sex.
Patsy Well, that's one option I'd never discard!
Eddie (screams) You've done this to me. (screams again) I'm just one valium short of a nervous breakdown. Where's Saffy? Saffy, Saffy, come to Momma. Now!
Patsy Eddie, babe, chill out. Listen, I've got a little surprise for you.
Eddie Surprise? Cheers, thanks a lot.
Patsy But it's the PSB's.
Eddie The Bloody Pet Shop Boys, darling? For me?
Patsy Well, one of them, anyway.
Eddie Which one is it? Chris or Neil (PSB's come out) Oh, Pats, it's the ugly one.
Patsy Sorry, sweetie, I've worn the pretty one out.
Eddie Oh, Pats, you didn't. You did, didn't you. Oh what the hell. There's something I've always wanted to do.
Patsy Gimme that Prozac. Let's disco, babe
Eddie Lights, models, guest list. Just do your best, darling.

(c) Almost Fabulous 1995