ALMOST FABULOUS - first performed on 3/4/94 in StreetLife, Leicester.
[Cue 'Wheels on Fire' - Siouxsie & The Banshees, first verse and chorus]
Edina Patsy, where are you? We've a PA to do in this tacky disco.
Patsy I'm in the gents. I'll be with you in a moment.
Edina Couldn't you have waited. It's very unhygienic doing it in a public place. [Enter Patsy] Well, what have you got to say.
Patsy [Swallows] Sorry, sweetie, couldn't speak with my mouth full. [Looks Edina up and down in horror] What is that?
Edina [Does a catwalk twirl] It's the latest thing in Christian. [Preening]
Patsy Terry Christian, sweetie?
Edina No, darling, Lacroix. Christian Lacroix.
Patsy It looks like a load of bollocks. How much did you pay for it?
Edina Hundreds. It is Lacroix, it can't be that bad.
Patsy [Does a quick face change] Oh, well, in that case it's fabulous.
Edina [looks round at the back of the stage] Where the hell are we? This doesn't look like the buggering dressing room we were promised. I'll kill that booking agent, he said a jacuzzi and a ...[Patsy taps her on the shoulder while looking at the audience, stunned]
Patsy Sweetie.
Edina Where's the Bolly we were promised? Where's the ... [turns round and freezes] Shit! [Whispers] Pats, we're on the stage. Smile, godammit.
Patsy I daren't, something will snap.
Edina [Turns round with back to audience] What we need here is a little something. What have you got, Pats?
Patsy [Still frozen to the spot and staring at the audience, reaches into her hair and retrieves a huge joint] How about this? [Retrieves another and lights it for herself]
Edina [Lights up and takes a huge drag before visibly relaxing] Wow, great! What is it? Columbian?
Patsy No way! Don't you have a social conscience? Do you know how they ravage their rainforests?
Edina My forest could do with a bit of ravaging. [Wistfully]
Patsy Actually it's ecologically replanted grass.
Edina [Dreamy] Yeah, always do something for the environment. [Change of mood] Well buggery bollocks to the environment. I suppose next you'll want organic coke.
Patsy Oh, do you have some, then?
Edina [Rummages in her bag and brings out first a Tango and then a can of Pepsi] No, but I've got a Pepsi.
Patsy What I really need is some hard drugs. Give me some smack [Edina slaps her] What else have you got in there?
Edina [Rummages in her handbag] I've only got a Lemsip.
Patsy That'll do! [Grabs the Lemsip, rips the top off, snorts it and sneezes the rest over the audience] Got anything to wash it down with, sweetie?
Edina Yeah, here. [Pours Patsy a glass of champagne]
Patsy Cheers!
Edina So, what happened to you last night?
Patsy It was horrific. Jason and I had a fight. Then we had a bottle of wine, a few joints, a meal, a few more joints, another bottle of wine .....
Edina Then what?
Patsy Then we had great sex on the table.
Edina Sounds like your average night.
Patsy Yeah, trouble is I can't really go back to that restaurant again now.
Edina Is there nothing that would shame you?
Patsy [Looks Edina up and down] Only wearing that in a public place.
Edina You don't have any scruples, do you?
Patsy Shouldn't think so. I've just finished this month's penicillin
Edina So why were you so late today?
Patsy Well, darling, I would have been here earlier but I just had to pop into Harvey Nic's. They have the most divine thing in Janet Reger Knickers. He looked pretty damn good out of them, too.
Edina [as Patsy bends to adjust her shoe] You didn't have to give him yours as well! That reminds me, I bumped into your plastic surgeon when I took the cat in to be castrated yesterday.
Patsy Ooh, sweetie, can we change the subject. It brings back painful memories of Marrakech.
Edina [pulling a sour face] He asked how your latest facelift turned out.
Patsy [looking daggers at Eddy] Fine, thank you!
Edina You could just as easily grow a moustache to hide all those stretch marks, darling, rather than resorting to surgery. How many times is it now, sweetie? Three, four or five?
Patsy Six, actually.
Edina Well, sweetie, be very careful about shaving your bikini line. You don't want to get razor rash on your top lip, now do you? You'd have to start gargling with Femfresh.
Patsy I don't have to be here, you know. I could be in Antigua, Montserrat, Skegness. Anywhere that doesn't have gossipy never-have-beens that look every year of their age and weigh a stone for each of them!
Edina Well, bugger off, then!
Patsy OK, I will [is flouncing off the stage when her mobile phone rings Lazily pushes 'power-on' button] Yeah, Pats here. [Listens] [Punches 'power-off' button in disgust] [Looks at Edina] It was only a heavy breather. [Phone goes again. Edina snatches it from Patsy's hands]
Edina Hello, hello.
Patsy [Suddenly interested] Hello magazine?
Edina [To Patsy] No, it's Serge, he's having an asthma attack. [Patsy goes to leave] Pats! You can't leave me. [To Serge] Yes, darling. Where? Nepal? [To Patsy] You can't go. You can't leave me [pause] here [gestures discretely at audience] on my own. [Patsy is obviously making Edina suffer] Everyone leaves me. Even my only son Serge isn't here. At this very moment, in my hour of need, he's halfway up a mountain with a bunch of gorillas, pretending to be Sigorney Weaver. [Talks to Serge on the phone]
Patsy [To audience] I've never met Serge. Does he exist? Or is he like her lovers, only in her imagination?
Edina Serge, I have to go, sweetie. Yes, darling, I'm chanting as we speak. [Closes phone and goes to Patsy] Please Pats, please don't leave me on my own. [Patsy is still pretending to ponder. Edina has a temper tantrum] You'd leave me sodding alone, wouldn't you? Alone in a strange place, full of strange men ...
Patsy Men? [Peers into the audience] Really?
Edina They're not your type.
Patsy Are they breathing?
Edina [Peers at the audience] Just.
Patsy They're my type. [Goes to get off the stage and climb into the audience. Edina grabs her]
Edina [To Patsy] Don't try and humour THEM [gestures to audience]. What do they know? Not a designer label among them. Most of them are in M&S or Clone Zone. Look, [points to front row] that one is even bold enough to come out in Man at C&A. Last year's range! Oh, God, she looks terrible.
Patsy I don't normally forget a face but, in her case, I'll make an exception. Do you think Greenpeace know about her?
Edina [Goes down on her knees and crawls to Patsy] You will stay, won't you? You can't leave me alone on this stage. Anything could happen. Do you know how much damage a falling 60 watt light bulb can cause.
Patsy 40 watt, sweetie. They're cheap.
Edina Whatever. I could end up in hospital and you'd have to visit me every day. Just think how many trips to Harvey Nic's you'd have to miss. Please, sweetie, [pouting] please don't leave me.
Patsy You mistake me for someone who gives a damn but, OK [Pause for Edina to get up off the floor] [Clicks fingers as British Gas commercial] Don't you just love being in control.
Edina Patsy, what would you have liked to be if you hadn't been a wildly successful magazine publisher?
Patsy Well, I studied animal husbandry for a while ....
Edina Until you got caught! You're the only person I know that's been convicted of donkey abuse.
Patsy Yeah, they did give me short shrift ...
Edina And you never usually take anything short, do you, darling? Haven't you heard of safe sex?
Patsy Of course, sweetie. There's safety in numbers. And anyway, I always wear rubber.
Edina No! HE'S supposed to wear the rubber.
Patsy You dress your way, I'll dress mine.
Edina Pats, you look as though you've put a bit of weight on. You're not preggers are you?
Patsy I bloody well hope not! I'll have it hoovered out if I am.
Edina Patsy, you are on the pill, aren't you?
Patsy Of course, sweetie. Which particular pill? Speed, E, Acid, Barbs?
Edina THE Pill. The one that stops you ....
Patsy Oh, I'd never take something that would stop me doing anything. My Gynie once asked me if I practiced oral contraception. I thought at first he meant oral sex and I said yes, even though it did leave a bad taste in the mouth. But nothing a large G & T can't flush down.
Edina Patsy, you'd be a nymphomaniac if you slowed down a bit.
Patsy Of course, sweetie. Scientists use me to prove the existence of perpetual motion. Perhaps you should try it. It might reverse some of the unkind things that Mr Gravity has done to you.
Edina I know, sweetie, but I'm ..... sort of ..... well, off sex, so to speak .....
Patsy Can't pull, eh?
Edina No, it's not that. It's just that ....
Patsy [looks at Edie's thighs] Well, perhaps it's just as well. Anyone going down between those thighs would have to roll you in flour and look for a moist spot.
Edina Just because you're a working sperm bank, doesn't mean we all have to be shagging 24 hours a day. As it happens I do have someone.
Patsy Where did you meet him? Carlton Hayes? So, what's he like, this fella? Does he have pierced ears?
Edina Pierced ears? What has that got to do with anything?
Patsy Always go for a guy with pierced ears. That way you know they can endure pain and know how to buy jewellery. Of course, the only men you know with any taste in jewellery are gay, and they keep it themselves.
Edina Well, actually, he bought me these. [Fingers long, dangly, clip-on ear-rings]
Patsy [Peers at ear-ring and then rips it off] Ratners! We don't do THAT, sweetie! [Edina rips the other one off in disgust] I'll bet he's the type who puts love-bites on his neck with a Hoover. Is that the only type you ever attract.
Edina Am I really that bad? Tell me the truth, sweetie.
Patsy Nothing that liposuction to the hips and stomach, a bum hoist and the loss of a rib or two can't cure. But you do have a pretty chin; it's just a shame you had to add two more.
Edina It's not my fault. I just look at a chocolate [looks at box of chocs] and I put on 10 pounds. [Patsy waves a chocolate under her nose] I've got a build up of bodily toxins; a hormone imbalance; a heavy aura ..
Patsy You could join Weight Watchers, they'd prrobably give you a bulk discount. Anyway, I thought you were on that Elton John diet; chew on anything but don't swallow it. Remind me not to use that line when I'm sober.
Edina I've tried everything. I even tried colonic irrigation.
Patsy And that's not to be sniffed at ...
Edina I've tried rebirthing ...
Patsy You aborted that idea pretty quick!
Edina I even gave up drinking once ... trouble is that sober I had total recall. Horrible! I've been shaved, plucked, moisturised, wrapped, pummelled and starved. All to no effect. Sweetie, there IS a slim person trying to fight their way out of this bloated body.
Patsy A whole bloody army, by the look of it.
Edina I suppose it's working your way through the army that keeps you as thin as you are. I don't know how you manage all those weapons. Now that we are over 40 we have to be very careful of our weight. It said so in Hello magazine last week.
Patsy Over 40? I'm only 35, and I'll sue anyone who says different.
Edina [Innocently] I can remember when we were still both the same age. [Whines] Please, sweetie, tell me the secret of your disgustingly slim figure.
Patsy Diet, darling. Barbiturates and alcohol three times a day and a healthy dose of Bulimia. Princess Di swears by it.
Edina Tell me, Pats, do I still look wonderful. Huh, do I, do I?
Patsy [Looks at audience] The only thing she'd look wonderful in is a body bag, or perhaps something long and flowing like a river. [Looks back at Edina] Of course, darling, you look ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS. Eddie, I'm just coming up on that Lemsip, let's take a couple of E's and go and boogie.
(c)
Almost Fabulous 1994
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