Cable 7 scripts - Three Little Pigs

THREE LITTLE PIGS
Transmission: 13 June 1996
Cable 7 - Live
Are we sitting comfortably, boys and girls? Then I shall begin.
Once upon a time, in a land not very far from our own, there lived three pigs. Each of the pigs controlled a separate area of the land and each ruled his area, or council, according to the rules laid down by the Big Bad Wolf.
Now, each of the pigs had their own way of running things. Some thought that they were there to do their best for the other pigs that lived in their neck of the woods. Some thought they were there to provide jobs for members of their families. While others were convinced that they were there simply because someone had to do the job, however thankless it was.
The pig that lived in the area furthest from the City, The Land of Rut, had never been happy at the way that the other two pigs ran their councils and was glad he was allowed to run Rut as an ecological haven.
The pig that lived in the City, Zap Pig, was only interested in making sure that all his relatives had secure and over paid jobs to go to and to support him. If he was in power then they had jobs, and vice versa.
Rural pig lived in the country, away from the city but not as far away as the Land of Rut, did the best he possibly could to avoid getting caught between the crossfire when Zap Pig and Rut Pig started warring. It wasn't always easy.
All he wanted was to keep his head down and make it to pension time. It was only the thought of that warm, clean sty near the coast that kept him going some days.
By and large the pigs managed to ignore each other and rule their councils according to their consciences. That was until the Big Bad Wolf decided that all three pigs, administering all three areas separately, was a waste of resources. He decreed that they should amalgamate and run everything from the City.
Zap Pig was delighted. This would mean more jobs in the City; and more jobs in the City meant more of his relatives could be overpaid; and this meant he would be guaranteed of being in power for even longer.
Rut Pig was not at all enthused with the idea. He didn't want Zap Pig to get his dirty trotters on the beautiful Land of Rut and abuse it. Last time he had any say in matters half the land had been flooded to make a mud pool for Zap and his relatives. Rut Pig decided he would fight the Big Bad Wolf all the way.
Rural Pig certainly didn't want to be amalgamated. He had more than enough work to do as it was without having to contend with the City and the Land of Rut. He also didn't relish closer proximity to Zap and Rut Pigs.
And so it was that the Big Bad Wolf descended on the area and set about ripping down fences and doing away with the councils.
First he visited Rut Pig and told him he had to move all his administration to the City. 'Over my dead body', said Rut Pig. 'Fine', said Big Bad Wolf, 'Bacon or chops?'
At this Rut Pig rushed into his house, bolted the door and piled his meagre furniture against it. Rut Pig, being ecologically minded, had built his house of local materials so, although it looked nice, it wasn't very strong.
'Ho, ho,' said Big Bad Wolf, 'do you really think a straw house will keep me out? I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down'.
So he huffed and he puffed and, sure enough, he blew the house down. Rut Pig rushed out of the back door, climbed on his bike and pedalled as fast as he could to Rural Pig's house to tell him what had gone on.
Rural Pig's house was a beautiful timber edifice and when Big Bad Wolf arrived he found them barricaded inside defying him to blow that house down.
Big Bad Wolf huffed and he puffed but he wasn't really getting anywhere until he took out his bottle of poppers. A couple of sniffs and a quick blow and the Rural Pig's house tumbled to the ground.
Both the pigs rushed out of the back door, into Rural Pig's secondhand Volvo and straight to Zap Pig's city home.
Zap Pig, of course had an ostentatious brick-built house in a very select area of the city. This was built to the highest standards money could buy and the Wolf, no matter what artificial stimulants he took, had no chance of blowing it down.
'Well,' said Zap Pig, 'we have survived. Perhaps the Big Bad Wolf is right. Perhaps we are more efficient as a single entity.' The other pigs were not convinced but agreed to go with the flow, for now. Their time would come and they would each have their own little councils, one day.
©Pariss 1996