Script - Essex Girls - 1994

            ESSEX GIRLS

                        Dwayne is dressed in a shell suit and is wearing a baseball cap backwards and has a ponytail which is not the same colour as his hair.

                        Tracey is wearing white knee length stilettos, a white PVC mini skirt and a white PVC batwing top. Her boobs are rather too big.

                        The Birdie Song is playing. The DJ announces that he is going to play Agadoo as a special request for Dwayne and Tracey. They walk into the disco together. Dwayne is bopping to the music while Tracey is bopping to her Walkman which is playing Saturday Night and she's chewing gum.

Dwayne Well, Trace, what we gonna do after the disco? Trace? [Rips out her Walkman earphones as she sings 'Saturday Night' out of tune] Trace! After the disco! What you wanna do?

Tracey What? Hey, I was enjoying that. Saturday Night. Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Dwayne Trace! After the disco. What you wanna do?

Tracey Well, we're all togged up.

Dwayne We might as well hang around the chippy and have a laugh, then. 'Ere, Trace, you on the rag this week?

Tracey Nah, why?

Dwayne What's that running down your leg, then?

Tracey Oh, shit! That's Jason, I just had him up against the wall in the DJ booth and forgot to put me knickers back on.

Dwayne But I thought you were keen on that geezer Shane at the chip shop.

Tracey I am. He's really dreamy. I'd love to get in his trousers.

Dwayne They wouldn't fit you.

Tracey You know what I mean. Just think of all those fish suppers I could get. For free. I love this place, don't you? I just have to come through the doors and breathe in. [breathes in]

Dwayne Cheap scent, cold kebabs and vomit.

Tracey It's just like being at home, innit?.

Dwayne I feel sick.

Tracey What you need is a spoonful of honey. I saw that on Anne and Nick yesterday.

Dwayne Will that stop me feeling sick?

Tracey Nah, but it'll taste nicer coming up.

Dwayne I'll give it a miss. So, what you been doing today, then?

Tracey I went heisting down Iceland for me mum. I nearly got away with a 12 lb chicken.

Dwayne Where did you hide it?

Tracey Down me knickers

Dwayne So it was the smell of overcooked giblets that got you caught then? Are you still on a diet?

Tracey Yeah, but I got a new one. Works really well. I only eat what I can spell. I've lost 10 lbs this week. You ought to go on one, lose a bit of yer gut.

Dwayne I don't need to. Anyway, I worked hard to get this gut.

Tracey Well, I suppose it would be a bit of a waste trying to educate you. Your idea of a balanced diet is having a can of Tennants in both hands. I've got a new boyfriend, by the way.

Dwayne Oh, yeah, what's his name?

Tracey Steve, but I've got a nickname for him.

Dwayne Pimp?

Tracey How did you know?

Dwayne And how old is this Steve?

Tracey Well, he's almost 17

Dwayne Your boyfriends get any younger and you'll be going out with sperm!

Tracey I usually do, one way or the other! We had a really nice night out last night in Clacton.

Dwayne Oh yeah. He's got a car, then?

Tracey Oh, yeah. A Ford Fiesta. He's saving up for a Capri. He's already got the furry dice.

Dwayne So, you done it, yet?

Tracey 'Course. On the first night. It was fab. The only problem was afterwards when I went to turn the light on.

Dwayne What happened?

Tracey The car door wouldn't open. Anyway, I'm thinking of going for an older man next time. I'm getting fed up with lithe 18 year olds who can do it 4 times a night but take an hour to get there.

Dwayne You mean you'd prefer a 40 year old who goes for 2 minutes, rolls over, farts and goes straight to sleep?

Tracey I see what you mean. But what about you? Don't you ever fancy something a bit older. They say that a woman's life begins at 40.

Dwayne So does facial hair!

Tracey Anyway Steve bought me a new coat.

Dwayne What, the one you wore tonight?

Tracey Yeah. Nice, innit?

Dwayne Yeah, if you like wearing dead animals!

Tracey It's not real fur, idiot. I don't wear anything that has a face. Except a man. I'm not really anti-fur, though. It's not ecological, you know.

Dwayne What do you mean 'not ecological'?

Tracey Well, it's all very well demonstrating against the fur trade but did you know that it takes four trees to make the protest placards? Anyway, my coat is acrylic.

Dwayne Oh, yeah, and how many of those had to die to keep you warm?

Tracey Talking of things that keep a body warm. How's your sister?

Dwayne Chantelle?

Tracey Yeah, Chantelle. That's french, innit? I've always liked french. Is she still earning?

Dwayne [sarcastically] Of course! In fact she's setting up her own business.

Tracey Oh really. She's got her own pitch? I can remember when she'd do it standing up for 10 Bensons.

Dwayne And laying down for 20! So how is your brother?

Tracey Todd? Oh, he's fine. He's just growing out of his Michael Jackson phase.

Dwayne Just so long a Michael Jackson doesn't like him! What about the other one?

Tracey What, Wayne? Haven't you heard? He died last week.

Dwayne What happened?

Tracey Well, he got knocked over by a Skoda. It's his own fault. He was racing it down the road trying not to let it catch him and obviously wasn't running fast enough. It caught him. Anyway, he was on a life support machine but we had to turn it off. We needed the plug. The fridge was defrosting. So, are you still going out with Sharon?

Dwayne Nah, she got too intellectual for me. She started reading the News of the World money page. I'm on me own at the moment so I phoned one of those sex lines the other day. There I was, just getting into it. This bird was saying get yer kit off and I'd just dropped me shell suit pants when there's this knock on the door. Oi, I says, this is a public phone box. Wait yer turn!

Tracey The cheek of some people! It's a lack of education does it.

Dwayne You're not educated!

Tracey Yes I am! I've got CSE in Childcare.

Dwayne Oh yeah, and what good is that gonna do you?

Tracey Well, actually, it was really useful 'cos I was 6 months pregnant at the time. At least I got a qualification at school!

Dwayne I did alright at school.

Tracey Yeah, right. I remember in sex education the day they were telling us about vasectomy. There's Miss telling us all about tying the tubes and what do you do? Put your hand up and ask of the cum will still taste the same.

Dwayne So?

Tracey We were only 9 at the time. Anyway, I'm going to evening classes now.

Dwayne What for?

Tracey To better myself, of course. I'm learning to read and write. I want to be an actress. I want to be in Eastenders. Either that or I want to sleep with one of the stars. How will I know who I'm copping off with if I can't read their autograph?

Dwayne Do you wanna go to a show?

Tracey What show?

Dwayne Well, I've got tickets for the Mike Morran Show, y'know, Good Afternoon with Mike Morran.

Tracey Is it gonna be any good? I mean, who's on?

Dwayne Dunno. I think they got Krystal from Dynasty on. Do you wanna go?

Tracey OK, I've got nothing else to do.